+ the sins that we've done +

I am going to do my final presentation tomorrow... I am superbly nervous.

AI season 8 is back ya'all. I promised myself by the end of sesaon 7 to not get involved again with that crazy reality show. Yet, on the 2nd showing of it, I spotted someone that I know I can't miss out on. Micheal Castro. Yes, the younger brother of Jason Castro. I really am hoping that he won't go far or else I would HAVE TO watch AI season 8 too. I know, nobody is forcing me to watch that show, yet, how can I say no to the droopy eyed, cocky self-promoting poster selling 20 year old boy who brother had totally stole my heart? I mean, just look at him.



Ahhhh....
Apple to m eyes.. Not kidding when I say I want to eat this kid. He's that cute!

Anyway,
Onto more important things.
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+ oh, bugger +

80%
Am I awesome or what? :D
Who said fat girls are not fast?

...will be back...
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+ who would have thought +

I have sleeping problems.
Yes, shock shock.
Me, the heavy sleeper that I am is having problem sleeping for once. Yes, that is the most heavy confession that I had to make in months. Yes, you can gawk in awe or sigh in contempt; which ever suit your thinking.

Gah!!!!
It had been 3 days since I had a good night sleep. I know 3 days is nothing to some of you but it mean the world to me. I treasure my sleep; in fact, I think it is one of my best kept talent. Who am I without the ability to sleep soundly? Oh, the agony. My eyeballs had been twitching since the first night and I think the blood had stop pumping into my brain. Do you know the annoying feeling that you get when you just drank half cups of very very cold milkshake? Well, that's the feeling I am constantly having times a thousand time. It's pure hell I tell you, I kid you not!

Oh, and how oh how am I going to finish my report with this headache?
It is time like this that I wish I have my own sets of leprechaun to help me do my works. Why didn't I buy some from e-bay is beyond my understanding.

On, a totally different note,
I miss my little sister to bits.
When are you coming home you little devilish brat whom I love so dearly may I add? :D
Miss you much...

Well, no point on bitching and moaning anymore,
I'll never have the answer anyway,
Gosh...
I guess I just am going to stay in this yellowish room of mine, laying on the bed, tossing and turning while reminding myself to not remove my twitching eyeballs and throw it to the ground.
I welcome the sleepless nights to come..
I'm making peace with that...

x deez x

p/s: pening tapi tetap happy sebab tak sendiri lagi
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+ lagi +

Menghadap report lagi
Sakit kepala lagi
Hujan lagi....

Rindu kamu lagi...

x deez x

*Kenapa sye hopeless sgt kebelakangan ni?
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+ master of delay +

Noticed if I have a lot of works to do, I tend to blog a lot too?
Any of you realize that?
Well, I do.
I am a mothfreakin' master of delay.
I like to delay things till the last minutes.
I know I will be crappy, I'll swear a lot and I'll be in such tense mood it is not even going to be funny.
I know it will give me massive headache that I would not be able to bear.
But still,
I like to wait for the lastest of minutes to complete something.

I really don't know what it is.
Maybe it's the rush,
Maybe it's the adrenaline,
Maybe it's the tense feeling,
Maybe I like those moments of feeling that I might blow up any second now!
I really really don't know.

It is going to rain...
You are still at work? :(

x deez x


p/s: sakit kepala lagi....
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+ kiss me, i'm contagious +

I'm feeling better.
I don't know what it was, but I am feeling better.
All I needed was one phone call, one single phone call.

Me: Hey
Ad: Feeling down babe?
Me: How do you do that?
Ad: Do what?
Me: Knowing
Ad: I always know, when it comes to you
Me: Do you think we are twins separated at birth?
Ad: Possibly
Me: I think so too
Ad: What's the matter?
Me: I think it's happening again
Ad: What is?
Me: Me...
Ad: You?
Me: A'ah.. me being me again
Ad: NO!
Me: Yup
Ad: Why?
Me: I don't know. I suddenly feel sad. Feel like crying
Ad: Why?
Me: I don't know
Ad: I know
Me: Tell me
Ad: It's because of the wedding isn't it?
Me: What?
Ad: It remind you of what could've been
Me: You think so?
Ad: I know so
Me: But...
Ad: I saw your face when you told me about all those successful old friends of yours

And there it was. All of it unrevealed itself before my eyes. I am sad because what could've been. Then I remembered a conversation with that certain someone. He told me that there is no point of regretting that. No good will come of regretting the past. They might be successful but are they happy? I have no clue. But one thing for sure, I am. Yes, I am proud to say I am happy. I am no longer depress. I am no longer alone, I am no longer lonely. I have my families, my friends, him. I have everything I need.

And then, I smiled.
I smiled and I mean it.
Thank you.
Thank you for figuring me out.
Thank you for being my strength.
Thank you all for coping with me and my madness.

p/s: sye takkan mulakan tahun ni dalam kesedihan. Terima kasih semua.

x deez x
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+ crack in the head +

Sye rase ada something yang tak kena dengan otak sye ni. Selalu aje timbul masalah macam ni. Dah lama dah tak jadi, ntah sebeb ape tetibe penyakit datang lagi.

Sye bangun pagi2 tadi,
Kepala sye berdenyut2 yang amat,
Ingatkan disebabkan headache semalam tak hilang lagi,
So, sye try senyum kembali,
Tapi, malangnya mood terus lari,
Sebab sye tak mampu nak tersenyum gembira,
Hati tiba2 rasa sedih yang amat,
Kenapa?
Sye pun cuba tanya diri sye,
Tak tahu la sebabnya,
Saye gagahkan diri,
Sebab sye dah janji tak nak jadi camni lagi,
Sye taknak melemahkan diri kembali,
Sye capai towel yang tergantung kat tepi katil,
Dan lari masuk bilik air,
Mandi,
Mandi bersihkan diri,
Dengan harapan perasaan sedih tu akan pergi,
Tapi,
Apakan daya perasaan tu tak nak pergi...

Saye dudk balik atas tilam,
Memeikirkan apakah perasaan yang menyelubungi diri ni,
Sye imbas apa2 yang terjadi semalam yang boleh buat saye rasa begini,
Nothing...
Tak de apa2 yang terjadi semalam,
Sye jadi lemah kembali,
Dugaan ni dah datang lagi...

So,
Tanpa kerelaan,
Sye biarkan air mata sye keluar,
Biarkan diri ni jadi lemah,
Keluarlah semua airmata,
Tinggalkan kesedihan ni,
Sye nangis dan nangis sekuat hati,
Tanpa mengerti kenapa...
Pelikkan diri sye?

Benci..
Sye benci perasaan ni...
Rase macam tak nak bangun lagi,
Penat,
Penat jadi orang yang lemah,
Yang tak tahu perasaan sendiri...

p/s: Mampukah sye tersenyum kembali? saye tak suka menoppengkan diri sendiri...

x deez x
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+ hopeless fool +

Saye ada 9 hari aje lagi untuk menyiapkan report.
Saye ade 9 hari aje lagi untuk buat slideshow presentation.
Saye ade 9 hari aje lagi nak mengabdikan diri di hadapan laptop sambil menggaru-garu kepala kebingungan sebab tak tau nak mula kat mane.
Saye ade 9 hari je lagi untul menghadap kejatuhan.
Aduh, tolonglah saye,
Sye kesuntukan!!!!

When they told me I have 14 days to complete my report, I said the heck with that! I won't be able to! Plus, I was the last one to finish the actual training so I am supposed to get an extend timing right? WRONG! I still need to submit all before 16th of January! Fuckin' hell! What are they tying to do to me? :(

I know I said, I won't bother to give my all on this last report, but you know me. At least I want it to be decent. But, you know what? I am having a very hard time focusing right now. I don;t even know why! I keep going back to the world wide web, playing games, reading crappy unimportant stuff. I can't seem to make myself willing to do my report. Do you know the total number of pages I have done? 2! 2 freaking pages in term of 3 days. I AM NOT THAT SLOW. I just can't concentrate! I can't and I won't! What is my problem? Well, I am a bit pissed that they won't extend my days and surely that is one of the reason why I am not bothering. But, I don't want my end report to ended up like hell. That is soooo not me. Someone please help me. Oh, and according to my calculation, hot stamping will require freaking 3 day at least so I need to finish by the 13th. Oh My Freaking Ass. I am on FIRE!!

Need to go do work... but I won't... trust me on that!
*sigh*
I am missing my boo at the same time...
This suck!

x deez x
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+ answers +

Lately, I've been asked a lot,
What make you attracted to him?
What make you love him?
What does he have?
What's with him?

And,
Even occasionally, I got asked,
What make you attracted to me?
What make you accept me?
What make you like me?

As always, I never have answers for any of that. I know it in my head, and I know it in my heart, but I never know how to tell people what I'm thinking. I am not able to project the feelings, the answer to you. So, I am going to try now, in words. Answers to all these questions.

Why? or even What? :)

Even when I was younger, I had this beautiful imagination on how being in love will be like. Unlike any cliche romantics, I don't dream of a prince charming with the perfect kiss and a happily ever after. What I do believe though was the feeling of falling in love. I had imagined numerous time, how being in love will be like.

I imagined that falling in love is when this guy would make me smile,
When he would tell me stories and I would believe every single thing about it, even if it's bullshit,
Falling in love is when he touch me it would send shivers to my last bones,
I fantasized that falling in love is when a guy could make me cry even when I was laughing,
When every little second is spend with him and I'll never feel bored,
And when he tell me he loves me, I would feel weak in the knees,

The reality is,
I fall in love with you because all of the above, and so much more.
I like you because you treat me like I matters.
I adore you because your smile is so contagious it makes me want to smile to and everytime you smile at me I feel all flowery inside.
I'm attracted to you because you are the only one in this whole world that could make me feel pretty.
I fancy you because you are honest and sincere even on the most sensitive matters.
I care for you because everytime I'm with you i can be myself without even worrying about what others may think.
I'm keen of you because you never judge me.

And I fall in love with you,
Because you make me smile,
Because you tell me stories that I believed,
Because everytime you touch me, I feel butterflies in my stomach,
Because you make me cry for being too happy,
Because I want to spend ever single second with you without feeling bored,
And because when you tell me you love me, I find it hard to breathe...

And that my dear boyfriend,
Is a LITTLE insight on,
Why I love you...

I could go on,
But I could not stop,
For there are so many reasons why I love you,
Why I choose to be with you,
Why I want you...

And that my little freinds,
Is why I love him...

:)

x deez x

*Sye sedar yang entri kebelakang ni asyik jiwang karat aje. Maybe tu tandanya sye sedang gila dilamun cinta. Katalah ape yang kalian nak kata, sye tak peduli. Kalau kalian menyampah, berhenti. Jangan baca blog ni lagi... :)
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+ age +



We are now 80 days old...
:)

Thank You...

For loving me...



x deez x
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+ happy 2009 +

Happy New Year!
It's not too late right?

Wow, how 2008 passed by eh?
Reflecting back on last year, a lot had happened to me. I have changed one way or another. For the better I imagined. It was a crazy year and it was a good year. I was happy in 2008. I could say it is a great year!

Dates never mean much to me but I will remember some significant dates on last year for several event.

13 April 2008 - Receiving the best student award is something great, real great.
8 August 2008 - My sister wedding is something worth remembering.
13 October 2008 - A day I will remember for the rest of my life. A beginning.
7 December 2008 - Baby Ilham was born.
31 December 2008 - I finished something I started. :)

There you go, there's a lot of dates. Showing it was a year worth going through.

Anyway, I never had any year resolution. Never thought it is necessary. But I do have one thing that I would have get done this year. What's that? Well, that's for me to know and for you to find out! Haha..

Oh, and by the way,
One of my bestest friend get married yesterday!
Selamat Pengantin Baru! :)

I'll stop here, I have some work i need to do but I had been procrastinating since forever! See you all!

Happy 2009!





x deez x
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