I don't want to sound cliche or anything but I am still going to say it; you don't know hat love really is until you found it. And boy, they saying couldn't be any more true.
I was laying in my bed just now, forcing my hardest to sleep. I shut my eyes tightly, I tossed and turned looking and searching for the most comfortable position to fall asleep. Yet, I couldn't sleep a wink. It wasn't the bed, I had been sleeping on it for years and I had always seemed to be sleeping just fine. I had never had trouble sleeping. In fact, I could sleep in the weirdest, wildest circumstances if I wanted to. Hell, even if there would be an earthquake or even a tornado, I could still be sound asleep unaware of what's happening. But, why not tonight? What could possibly gone so horribly wrong that I was not able to bring myself to sleep? In the midst of it all, I try to contemplate myself - thinking of things that keeping me awake, I don't want to admit the truth. Maybe it is because I am having a slight stomach ache, maybe it is because I slept in late this morning, maybe because I am not tired cause I haven't done anything today. Ah crap, who am I kidding? I know exactly what it is. I just don't want to admit it. I can't sleep because I did not say good night to you. I can't sleep cause I didn't hear you say goodnight. I am a sad case of sorry am I not? *sigh*
When I felt like I was not going to succeed in getting any sleep, I moved on to turning on my laptop. What else a girl to do at a time like this right? I mindlessly surf of the web, checking my mails, watching some dumb videos and looking at funny pictures. Those were my sad attempts to fill the time, to make myself laugh, to try and get myself sleepy. Evidently, nothing worked. I settled on playing games, trying to pry mind off of 1 thing that had been hanging there since early tonight. I tried so hard, I tried my best, I don't want to think about it, but I failed. I never am able to do that anymore. I am not capable of not thinking of you. My mind miricalously always find its way to be thinking of you. Every moment and every second. I fucking kid you not. This is a truth confession. Since the day I agreed to become your partner, every single second of my day is filled with the tought of you. I can't stop thinking about you. Everything just remind me of you. It was sort of sickening (some might think) but that is the truth. I thought it would gradually go away but it doesn't. If not, it is increasing day by day and instead of only thinking of you, I constantly miss you. And I think it is unhealthy so, yet, there is nothing I can do about it. And you know what, I am so very accustomed to it now that I don't want to ever stop thinking about you.
I hate it when we are having a fight. It may not be big fights, it may just be some tiny things that we said to each other and we reconcile afterwards but still I hate it. I hate the thought of me hurting you in any way. I hate it when you don't want to talk to me. I hate it when I feel guilty. I hate it all. To tell you the truth, those moments, those little moments when you are mad, when we are not on talking terms, those moments are some of the worst moments in my life. I am not going to lie to you that it doesn't hurt cause it does. It hurt so bad sometimes that I feel like I wanted to just drop dead. Yes, I would rather die than feeling the pain knowing that I had hurt you. I hate myself for making you mad, for making you sad, for hurting you. Then, I would apologize, and you being the wonderful human being you, you forgive me. And the pain, it goes away.
I am stupid sometimes, cause without realizing it, I keep on doing things wrong. I am truly sorry for that. The thing is, before you come into my life, you see, I have nobody. No one cared enough to spend that much attention and time for me. My life goes like this; I woke up, went to some classes, get back, do some chores, continued working on my PC or sketch books, went to have something to eat, get back again, read some book or online for a bit, before going to sleep. And it all happened in the comfort of my room, me usually locking myself in. The words that came out of my mouth could possibly range form 10 to 15 words a day. I swear to you I am not playing the pity card. But I need you to know this. You might notice that I don't know how to handle situations sometimes. I don't know how to say the right things, I don't know how to comfort you, I don't know how to flirt with you; it is almost as if I don't know how to interacts sometimes. Well, truth be told, when half your life is spent trying to isolate yourself from others, you tend to loose the ability to act like normal people does. I don't do human contact before you come along. I don't say 'I love you' or 'I miss you'. Hell, I think I never know what loving and missing someone is like. And I am adapting to it all, and I may have make mistake in treating you along the way. And for that I am sorry. I hope you can cope with me long enough so I can improve myself to be a better person, to be a better fiance for you. Please be patient with me. Tolong sabar dgn sye ek? I am so sorry. And thank you for being such an understanding person to me all this while.
I want to continue on telling you my life stories and bore you to death but I think I would rather not. It is true that I haven't completely open up to you. I have stories and things I wanted to tell you. I just don't know how. I never know how to express my feeling through word. It always failed to come out of my mouth correctly. If only you know this depth of love I have for you. It might scare you; be warned. :) I scared myself sometimes. But I want it to be that way. cause I know a guy like you will never be found again. I don't know how to tell you what I'm feeling at certain moment of times. Sometimes when I said things, you misinterpret them. Maybe I don't know how to say things clearly. But I do want you to know that there is no greater thing in this world than being with you. You have no idea how happy I am every time I am with you. No idea. If only I could tell you, better yet, if only I could show you, then you will know how much I appreciate having you in my life.
I am going to start rambling now. I tend to write when I am sad. I guess you had figure that out by now. Honestly, my tears won't stop running right now. That is another incredible thing you do to me; you turn me into a sensitive crying shitloads of teary girl. I don't do crying you know, now, crying seemed to be a part o a habit to me. Yet I welcome the change. cause I know, when everything I cry now, it remind me that I have something to loose. And by God, I don't ever want to loose you.
I know I said I wanted to stop but humor me for another second. Well, if you want to stop reading I can't stop you. But, I remembered something while writing this just now. And it was the happiest moment in my life. I want to share it with you.
Do you remember?
That one historic night?
I was so nervous you know. You said you were going to take me somewhere. I wasn't sure whether you told me the name of the place or not, but you said it was beautiful up there. You know I am a sucker for beautiful spots by then didn't you? Yet, you made a stop. I didn't know you were stalling. I thought you were really hungry. But I did sense that you were acting kind of weird. And when we were lining up, you were sweating. Real sweating. And at one point, you gave me this one look. I was puzzled. Really. Did you remembered I asked you if you are OK or not? 'Abang Ok ke ni?' and you just nodded. I was worried you know but I brushed it of. Then, you brought me there. You were right. It is beautiful up there right? If it wasn't for the noisy kids and 'rempits' I would say that place is perfect. I was really trying to enjoy the view but I didn't enjoyed it as well seeing how you were standing right beside me, fidgeting like you needed to pee so bad. I waited for anything that you would say. I waited for a while. But for a little moment, you didn't say anything. You just stood there looking at me in a way like never before, smiling. It made me nervous. I waited though. I really wanted to know what you want to say. Even then, I knew you were going to say something big. Something that will impact me and you both. And I was anticipating it while my heart beat furiously. Then you started saying these things. It was a blur. As if I know it was happening, you were saying things, I was trying to register but I was nervous as hell. You were too, I remembered. And at that moment, I think, that is when I fall in love with you. I just didn't realize it yet. When you were struggling to tell me what you felt, that was the most cutest sight I have ever seen. Do you know what exactly I was thinking at that moment? This guy, this kind, tender, sweet guy, was telling me how much he liked me? ME? Me of all people? How could that happen? Even then I know you are a wonderful soul, dispite your tough, crazy, angry exterior, I know how lovely you could be. How would I know you may ask? Call it a woman's instinct. It amaze me that you would say that you like me. I am still amazed today that you stick to it. I knew even back than how lucky I am to have a great guy like you to even spare a moment of his time on me. Do you know that?
Do you remember what I said?
'I make you happy right? And you make me happy.
Then, let's make each other happy. Let's be together,'
or something like that. :)
That was the best decision I had ever made.
The best risk I had ever taken.
And then you smiled. I could never forget that smile. You don't know how gorgeously handsome & beautiful you look at that time. That genuine smile alone is to die for. :)
Do you remember that night?
I don't want to forget that night.
I am sorry k.
Good Night my dear.
Selamat malam bang.
I love you so much.
I wish you would say 'good night'.
I need to hear you say good night so I can go to sleep.
And I wish that I'll see you in my dream (if I am able to sleep) so I could tell you I miss you.