Dissapointment.
Lately, I felt as if I had been doing everything wrong. I know my expectation on myself haf always been high but currently, I almost feel useless. I couldn't do anything. Everything else seemed wrongly done. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am very sorry.

It scared me. You always said that I can do anything. But, evidently, I can't. You had been a witness to that and that scared me to death. I went to bed feeling dissapointed with myself yeterday. I didn't know about you but I hated myself for making you mad. It haunted me all night. I had a nightmare where you were mad and you took off. Just plain gone. And I couldn't blame it on anyone else but me. I know you wouldn't do that, but it still scared me. I want to be better, I want to do things right, I want you to not be mad at me for thr stupid thing I can't do.

Anyhow, it makes me wonder, can I achive that? All my life I had been a dissapoinment to everyone around me, why would this time be any different? Why would I not dissapoint you? I had no answer. But I know for once, any other time, I wouldn't be bothered. But this time, I want to be better, I don't want to dissapoint you. Can you please bear with me for a little while?

I promise you I will not be useless anymore.

x deez x
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