Entri kali ni adalah ranting semata-mata. Kalau kalian menyampah maafkan sye. Tapi ini luahan perasaan hati sye. ❤
I had been doing a lot of thinking lately. Turns of events had resulted with me having minor insomnia problems which give me chances to look back at my life this past years. How my life had change and continue changing. How I AM changing from day to day.
Don't get me wrong, I totally love my life right now. But I come to realize that I'm liking myself less and less. It's a problem I have to fix before it become a cancer that would eat me alive wouldn't it? *sigh* How many people are not understanding what I am saying right now, please raise your hands. #epicfailure
Well, it is like this.
I was the kind of girl that never really get along with others. I was the girl that had something to say and said it well, regardless of what other might think. I went with my own flow, I did not follow others and I did not need others following me. I did things on my own terms. Some liked me, some adored me, little even thought I was cool, some felt indifferent towards me, some thought I was weird, and a quite huge amount hated me for who I was. I had never cared though. Cause in the end, I knew, that I would always be the one that people would run to in one situation or another. I was THAT confident. I HAD MY OWN PLACE IN THIS WORLD. Friends run to me to gossip, sisters and brothers run to me for their problems, lecturers talked to me on matters, bosses needed me to boss around during meetings, enemies came to me for fair fights. I knew who I was and what I was supposed to do. Adakah now, I tak ada place in this world anymore? Tapi sye masih wujud disini!
And I had plans. BIG PLANS. For the future. Not the kind of plan that will put my name on the map. Not plans that will make me a well known success in the country. No. Just big plans for my own self. Plans that would make me happy fulfilling them. Or in other words, dreams. Beautiful dreams that put glimpse of hopes in facing the future.
But then, something happened. Something wonderful. Even far more beautiful than my lists of dreams. I fell in love. Yes, Mr. Hubby was my first true love. Corny truth, I swear. And it changed everything. I was back then ready to travel, learn about the world, face the hardship of life with a bunch of friends, in a new country, taking up on new experiences. But I dropped all of that - in a blink of an eye. Small price for having true love I assumed. And still think so too. Before him, I planned to get married when I am 30. Yes, it matter that much back then. But o well, I met Mr. Hubby on August 2008, became exclusive on October 2008, get engaged on March 2009 and married by Jan 2010. And it all happened so fast, so wonderfully fast. And by Dec 2010, I was a MOM. A new kind of something! I tell you what, those rapid decisions,those decisions that I made every step of the way, was, still and are going to be the best decisions in my life. I have no doubt about that. And I am thankful.
Soooo, what the heck is this ranting is all about?
It is about me. A girl, now a woman, who though claimed that she love her life (which I do so so much), is losing herself. Losing the self that she loved. The uncaring reckless person she was. I mean, when you are a mother, how can you become reckless right? You are responsible for the life of your child and possibly others. And all of the sudden, you have got to become an adult. Yes, that's it. I missed being a child. That is possible right? I mean, I used to be so brave, so courageous. But I can't be anymore. I am constantly afraid. Afraid of bad things happening to my child, my family. When my child was first born, I was most afraid. My fear was building up, higher than the KL tower. Tak tipu, takut macam-macam. Crazy? Duhhhh... Being mature suck!
when I thought about it further, (ok, ini entri membebel yang panjang gila) it is possible that this everyday routine is what had been bugging me. Doing the same things again and again everyday is giving me a bore. Note me right, routine bores me, not my child. I mean, I miss having an adult to talk to, to be around people, to hang out freely (mind and soul), to share inside jokes with those who understand, to fight with all the wrong people. Right? The passion of being alive I guess. Does anybody gets me? #keliru
Well, to sum it up.
I am happy but I am not?
Ada sapa-sapa yang juga berperasaan seperti sye?
Tolong kongsi cerita supaya sye tak rasa seperti sye ni gila.
Or is there really something's wrong... with me? Or my family?
Tak faham diri sendiri!
Istifar la banyak-banyak Ren.
Kalau anda masih membaca, terima kasih atas kesetiaan mendengar bebelan sye ini.
Entri lepas ni dah tak pasrah lagi. Mungkin.
Selamat Malam Dunia!